Linda Quarterly

Random Thoughts About the Last Few Days

• I honestly wasn't feeling the Michael Jackson thing.  I mean, Off the Wall and Thriller provided the soundtrack to some of the most exciting and memorable times of my life, but he morphed into an androgynous yet crotch-grabbing, scary freak.  I was way more upset when Luther died.

• I know that Paris Jackson crying at MJ's memorial service was sad, but I thought it was insane how Janet shoved her in front of the microphone and hissed, "SPEAK UP!" into her back. God help those kids if there's a custody war and mommy dearest gets them.

• I'm getting the sinking feeling, and realization, that I didn't sign up to live with a surly little kid/pre-adolescent.  Not to mention a teenager.  I signed up for a B A B Y.  Nothing more.

• Thinking about our upcoming cruise (Montreal - Boston, in honor of Mom & Dad's 50th anniversary) is a little nerve-wracking.  Although I'm comforted by the fact that I scored two connecting rooms (ok, ok, they are each the size of my ass. Which is SMALL by the way.)

• I've decided to start an annual tradition of pulling Josh (and ultimately Max) out of school during the year to take trips to places that we can't afford during the Christmas break and having a series of social workers call me with an accusatory tone, as if I'm burning my kids with cigarettes while they're shackled to the wall in the basement.

• The show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" is the best thing ever.

• It was kinda funny that, when Gregg got on Facebook this week and said he was married to me, people noticed and thought something was up.

• I love how life-long "quitters never win and winners never quit" mantra-spewing Republicans have done a complete about-face and are suddenly completely supportive of Sarah Palin quitting two years into her four year term.

• I could learn a few things regarding assessment and selection from the casting crew from Real World.  This season, Cancun, is an especially perfect example of hiring.

• Gregg's birthday is next week.  Any ideas for gifts I can get him?

Don't Miss Gregg on BET: Tues at 10pm EST

I mean, I'm assuming he'll be on this week's episode.

Gregg with Tiny, after the sign was installed at her nail salon:

Finally! The Answer to the Primary Source of Conflict in Our Marriage

http://ask.metafilter.com/15734/Which-way-should-you-store-your-drinking-glasses-in-a-cupboard

read til the end if you're bored, a microbiologist, or want a laugh

Things I'm Thankful For . . .

We've had a bevy of simchas lately - Max's 3rd birthday, Josh's 6th birthday, Father's Day . . . it's been one celebration after another.  In addition to bowling parties, bloody mary's and Elmo, it's been a time of reflection and thanks.  To wit, I'm thankful that:

- We don't have three kids

- My income isn't higher, resulting in larger tax payments

- Gregg and I are not divorced, and we don't have to deal with child support or convoluted visitation rules

- Max is no longer pooping in his pants, while I'm asking him if he needs to poop

- We don't have a bigger house with huge utility bills

- It hasn't been hotter than 98 degrees the past two weeks

- Josh's interest in playing the drums has abated

- Gregg's relationship with TI's baby mama continues to be purely platonic

- Our monthly health insurance premium only went up $110 a month - to $930 - and that we only have three $2500 deductibles

- MJ died at home and not on stage, mid-concert

Happy Father's Day Poppy!

whatever, mike.

Happy Father's Day, Gregg!

Self Aware? Or Sad?

Seriously - these are not from my credit card.  I swear.  They're from someone else's.

Use a Picture Like This for My Obituary, Please

Typical Phone Message from Lynne

Download Lynne

Pic from Neighborhood Party Friday Night

Please do not click to enlarge the picture and then focus on the boogie in Josh's nose.

Conversations with Max (who just turned 3) . . .

Linda:  Max, it's time for a snack.  Let's get a cheese stick.  

Max:  Actually I want Cheetos®.

Linda:  What?  No.  I don't have any Cheetos.

Max:  Let's go to the store and get some Cheetos.

Linda:  OK - are you going to buy them?

Max:  No.  I want you to buy them with your money.

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Linda (waking Max up from his nap):  Max, wake up honey . . . Nanny is here to see you . . . 

Max (blinking excitedly):  Is she here?

Linda:  Yes, she's here!

Max:  Good.  I like her.

Happy 6th Birthday, Josh!

I think I wrote this exact same thing last year, so I apologize to both my readers.  It seems forever ago - and a minute ago - that I was laying in the recovery room, alone, staring at the ceiling tiles wondering how, instead of leading a conference call about department supervisor hiring, I had had an emergency c-section instead.  And what in the hell I was going to do with a  B A B Y.

And next we are catapulted to today, where Josh and a gaggle of friends and siblings, had a pirate-bowling party. At six, nearly everything is fun - there's no competition - it's all new and exciting.

Josh's actual birthday is Thursday, so we'll have a family dinner to celebrate.  In the meantime, we celebrate all week!

Happy 20th Anniversary, Bennett & Alyson!

Waking Up Crying

Josh woke up crying today because it's his last day of school.  When I asked him what he would miss the most, he said his teachers . . . (sob.)  I told him that's exactly how I used to feel, on the last day of camp, when we'd all wake up so upset and cry throughout the day as we said goodbye to all our friends.  

He's had a great year - he's learned so much.  I'll really miss the two block walk each morning, when he always grabs my hand and we talk about random things.

This fall . . . 1st grade!  Onward and upward!

The walk we will no longer take to the kindergarden annex . . .

Seems like a minute ago that I took this same shot of him on the first day of school (he's holding the good-bye letters he wrote to his teachers - one of which says, "You dance good.  Thank you for letting us make hot chocolate.")

With his best friends and teachers (from left:  Diego, Ms. Blassingame, Samuel, Mrs. Williams and Sophia):

I Think Mom Must Have Been a Great Nurse

Recent conversation with Ginny:

Ginny:  Oh I hate medication.  I refuse to take medicine.  I will not let that doctor put me on Lipitor.  My overall cholesterol is high but my good number is fine.  I just refuse to take medication.  Although, if I feel like I'm about to have a stroke, I will take one aspirin.

I Found This While Leafing Through Josh's Year-Long Kindergarten Journal

Max's 3rd Birthday Celebration!

Max turned three and we celebrated with his good friend Ethan in the park near our house.  Max wanted Elmo as a theme - an encore to his theme last year.  It was incredibly hot outside - but everyone had a great time.  

I can't believe I don't have a baby anymore!!

(Click on any to enlarge)

 Max takes a happy birthday call from Nanny and Poppy

Ready to party!

Three years old!

Max and Ethan

Max with his favorite gift of the day

Noah and Josh party down with the "little kids"

Max saves Poppy from drifting away

Max shows off his birthday party booty

Max prepares for his 3 year check-up

Gregg Filming a New BET Reality Show (for real yo)

TI and Lil Wayne's baby mommas are filming a new reality show in Atlanta.  As luck would have it (Gregg is a HUGE TI and Lil Wayne fan) they need a neon sign for some reason so they've been in Gregg's shop with a film crew to design it.  Presumably, Gregg will install it at some point.  Now THAT'S going to be some good TV watching.  Gregg did work for TI's manager's wife, who opened a boutique recently.  He's working on a play date with their kids and our kids which I'm sure would be an awesome time.  We have to work it around TI's schedule: he is tying up some loose ends prior to starting his year-long stint in the pen on weapons charges.  Among other things, he's fighting for less restrictive gun control laws.  Well, we at least have that in common.

Typical Reaction I Get from Hot Guys

Report from Sasha's Bat Mitzvah

Well, this report is about one week late but that is not a reflection on what a great time we had; it's a reflection on the five day meeting I just completed for a client which had been in the planning for months.  Oy.  I'm exhausted.

Sasha's bat mitzvah weekend was a blast.  She did a terrific job and the ceremony and speeches were especially heartfelt and moving.  The party was in her mom's dance studio, which had been festooned with tarps, decorations, neon, etc. to create a cool restaurant/nightclub vibe.

A highlight of the weekend was the relatives all being together again - and especially the cousins spending time together. Tyler, Ross, Sasha, Josh, Max and Rob all got a chance to fake fistfight and roll on the ground, it seemed.  We missed Jordyn, who had her senior prom the same night.

Not sure when we'll all be together again . . . but it was a great way to spend the short time we get with one another.  

Photos to be loaded soon!

Proof I Am A Great Consultant

Tonight, after facilitating a workshop at a client meeting, one of the participants came up to me and said, "You are hilarious.  I wish you were my best friend cuz we would just laugh all day long."

I'm not going to say that drink tickets were involved and she seemed slightly woozy.  Was still very flattering.  I mean, I'm sure I was an effective facilitator too.

Love This Picture

Max Doesn't Do Anything Particularly Noteworthy, But Deserves to Be Featured Nonetheless

Max is such a little dreamboat.  Here he's frosting a Pesadicky (a word I HATE, in case you didn't discern that already) cake, while wearing a Spiderman muscle suit.  I mean, why WOULDN'T he lick the passover frosting while dressed as a superhero??  Isn't that an ancient Sephardic custom?

In two weeks, my littlest one turns three whereupon (in theory) he can safely play with magnetic balls and toys that have small parts.  What a milestone.  At least I can still hold him in my lap and sing him a goodnight song . . .

A Beautiful Easter Sunday at the Ballpark

Today, Josh, Gregg and I joined Poppy at the ballpark to see the Braves kick some Nationals arse while Max snoozed and played with Asia, his favorite babysitter.  A good time was had by all.  

A Snippet from our Seder

Josh Sets His Sites on a Wife

Josh:  I can't wait to get married.

Linda:  Who are you going to marry?

Josh:  I don't know!

Linda:  Well, if you had to pick someone today, who would you pick?

Josh:  Hmmmm . . . I'd pick Aunt Lynne.

It's Hard Keeping Up

In an effort to stay relevant and hip, today I updated my Twitter account and then downloaded TweetDeck (awesome).  On TweetDeck you can twit and update your Facebook status simultaneously, so I tried it out by posting something innocuous about a job we're trying to fill.  Within seconds, I got these responses from different people:

Via email:  I think I know someone!  Can I send you a resume?

Via Blackberry messenger:  Nice status update you loser

Via Facebook Chat:  shouldn't you be busy WORKING or parenting? or tracking down sanjay?

Via Facebook Post:  Does a housewife who can make matzah bri qualify for that job? I don't know what any of those words mean, but it sounds like a durn cute job to me.

So now I'm updating my blog all about it.

Is this good? . . . or just kinda sick?

Why Kids Could Benefit from a Slap from Time to Time

 

Linda:  Josh, please go put your pajamas on.

Josh:  Why do I have to do everything all the time around here?

An Original LQ Reader Shares Her Favorite Food

Ilana has always had odd tastes in food.  I would never touch stuff like this - or mayonnaise - but she loves it!  Must be rebelling against her conservative Jewish upbringing....  

Thanks for sending this in, Ilana!

 

At Least Max Thinks I'm Hot

Lately, Max has been very interested in my breasts.  (Relax, he's not quite three.)  He's asked what they are a number of times.  I tell him the same thing over and over again - that they are "breasts".  Today, here is how the conversation went:

Max:  Mama, what are those?  (pointing towards my breasts)

Linda:  (exacerbated that we've been through this so many times) What do you think they are, Max?

Max:   Apples.

Linda:  You're right.  They are firm, ripe apples.

The Emails You Get When You Have a Self-Absorbed Sister-in-Law

To:   Amy

From:  Linda

tell me what is going on with my People magazine??? My subscription has EXPIRED and valerie bertinelli is in a BIKINI!!!!

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To:   Linda

From:  Amy

I am saving lives right now...quit thinking of yourself....I will straighten it out tomorrow for crying out loud in the dark!!!! She was photoshopped....don't HATE!!!!

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To:   Amy

From:  Linda

you have told me for SIX weeks that you are going to get this fixed!!!!  WHEN IS THIS GOING TO BE COMPLETED???

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To:   Linda

From:  Amy

How ungrateful are you? This has been your gift every year for 20 years!!!! What has been mine from you? Heartache and sorrow I tell you, just heartache and sorrow. Let see $90.00x 20= Oh my god........$1800.00. I am flummoxed!!! I need a minute the room is spinning......Do you want me to send you mine every week until this gets sorted out? Or do you think that you can maybe go to the library !!! Or better yet ..go buy one. I will straightern it out ok!!! I paid a bill last month, I thought it was for your magazine. It may have been for my moms... I will get it resolved..go take care of your kids..Sistah from another mistah!!!   You read PerezHilton don't you? Just admit it..because I DO!!!!!!